a black and white mirrored image of nick mazonis in grave yard posing with yo-yo that I bought him march 2020

Until Then, There’s This

Futile Love Letters is the place for me to communicate my thoughts to my ex, Nick. He may or may not see them, and I’m positive he will never reply, however, this isn’t to get a reply or response. Just a simple approach for me to continue, or at least feel like I’m still linked with him. So, until then, there’s this.
I Lovey Dovey Love You

Kermit and piggy dressed to the nines obviously she is not me
I Lovey Dovey Love You

On August 31, 2020, I learned that Nicholas, my ex-fiancé, started seeing someone new. This has forced the creation of Futile Love Letters. A selection of love letters inside my journal to express my thoughts and feelings to Nick. As futile as they may be, I hope that someday he finds them. And if he doesn’t? At least I’ve released my feelings into the universe, so they no longer weigh me down.

Now, once again, I find myself lost, confused, and gasping for air. However, I know in my whole heart that when he closes his eyes, it’s my face he sees and will continue to see. This song sung by Zara Larsson encapsulates the feeling I have regarding this situation: “She is Not Me,” in which she sings, “She’ll never have you like I once did; she does not have my name; she can struggle to act like it, but she’ll never be the same.”

zarra larsson she is not me video cover photography

Zara Larsson

She Is Not Me

She doesn’t love you like I do. She doesn’t have my name.
However, she tries to act like it, she’ll never be the same.
But she’s new, and she’s beautiful. You’ve never been in a fight.
Oh yeah, it’s awfully perfect now, but you just know deep inside…

She is not me. She is not me. She is not me, baby. She is not me.

Does she make you feel wanted? Like I did? Make you feel like you’re the one thing that matters?
You let her head rest on your chest, but when you close your eyes…
You’ll be seeing my face again. I’ll be crossing your mind. You’ll be dreaming of places we went. And then you’ll wake up to find…

She is not me. She is not me. She is not me, remember. That she is not me.
She is not me. She’s not me.

Said I wonder now. Yeah, I wonder how you’ve been. Are you happy?
Is she still the one? Are you having fun? Is it for real, baby?
Cause I’ll be waiting here, another week, or month or year, if you’re lonely.
God, I wish I knew everything about the two of you, won’t you tell me?

Does she have any humor? Does she laugh at your jokes? Can she look past the rumors?
Does she know how it goes? Hey, or is it none of my business?
Do you go to the movies? Do you make out in the park? Do you stay up for hours,
And just talk and talk?

Hey, or is it none of my business?

Does she know about the bracelets? There were two of a kind? Did you save, did you save it,
Like I did mine? Hey, or is it none of my business?
Would it make any difference if I got you alone? If I called, would you listen?
Would you hang up the phone?

Hey, or is it none of my business?

None of my business. Is it none of my business? None of my business. Is it none of my business?
She’s not me. And she’ll never be, never be, never be…

Until We Meet Again

Licensed to YouTube by ~ SME, UMG (on behalf of Universal Music AB); Sony ATV Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing, ASCAP, AMRA, CMRRA, UMPI, and 17 Music Rights Societies

I Lovey Dovey Love You

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